Last weekend at the course I attend we have worked, amongst other things, around attention, the need for attention and the shame connected to the desire for it.
I wish to be able to claim attention and once received, hold it feeling comfortable. For now, often I try to avoid it and often I take it and once there, I question myself. Am I taking up too much space? Are they listening because they want to or because they think they have to? Am I talking too much? Am I annoying?
A lot of fear around taking up space and around being listened to without true willingness. I'm stuck separating responsibilities. Until what point am I responsible if the listener feels uncomfortable? Isn't it the responsibility of each of us to set our boundaries?
If I dive into my concerns, I get back to myself. How many times do I stay in a conversation I would prefer to leave only because I think I can avoid hurt? I stick to the perceived comfort of politeness, so deeply rooted that it would take a conscious effort to put it aside for the sake of honesty. I listen, though I only half-listen. Part of me is busy waiting for the end. I get impatient and annoyed. I judge. And probably next time I'll think twice before I enter a conversation.
Assuming this might be the same the other way around I feel anxious. I begin talking and I can't even connect to what I want to share. I'm lost trying to detect if the listener is really there. Looking for the politeness I lose the spark that inspired me to claim attention in the first place. Feeling nervous I fill up the empty space with many words and I'm convinced that by now there must only be politeness on the other side. There we go down the rabbit hole.
Behind all this, there is a desire that people would only stay willingly and would express if they do not want to, a desire that I would only stay willingly and would express if I do not want to. A desire for honesty and the safety that comes from that honesty - that if space is given, it means there really is space and I can take it unapologetically.
Owning what is mine. Letting others own what is theirs.