Notes on Taking Attention — Authenticity as Contribution

A reflection on learning to trust that being real can itself be of service.

Part of my ongoing Nonviolent Communication integration journal.

(Photo: Merlin Nuñez)

“Authenticity’s only dictate is that we, not externally imposed expectations, be the true author of and authority on our own life.” (Gabor Maté: The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture)

Lately, I’ve been wondering — can my authenticity itself be a contribution? The part of me that wants to offer something meaningful used to believe contribution must look like polished outcomes and “perfection”. But what if contribution begins when I dare to be real?

This text is an invitation to my inner process - a core longing I want to bring into the way I share Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

Recently, I did some exercises to connect with my inspiration and needs around what I want to dedicate myself to, what path I want to follow, including a vision work process*. There, writing about my mission statement, I wrote something like: “My life is about allowing myself to live out of my authenticity, about learning to meet situations with presence, and about contributing to, being a spaceholder for others’ journeys, grounded in my own embodied practice.”

Coming to this insight, that I have a desire to live my authenticity and to trust that this can be a contribution, I feel expansion in my chest, a sweet, grounding sensation in my stomach, and there is hope and trust in me.

To walk this path as an integrated process, I also gave space to other voices in me, those concerned about being seen and wanting to protect me. While having the desire to be seen, I also have a tendency to hide, to postpone some things I was planning to do, like sharing NVC-related offerings on my social media channels, or turning my journals into blog posts that I can publicly share.

My internal stories and judgments that are calling me to stop when I’m about to step out sound like:

• What if people will think I’m too full of myself? 

• What if I’m not good enough, and trying would only confirm that?

While counter-judgements also occurred: 

• Why can’t I allow myself to be out there without so much fear around making mistakes?

To find new life-serving paths that fully resonate with me, I listened beneath these inner voices to understand what needs they were pointing to:

• When I think people will judge me if I express an intention to contribute to others while living my authenticity, I feel fear, a contraction in my stomach, because I have a need for belonging and for recognition.

• Thinking that I’m not good enough and wanting to contribute while living my authenticity would not work out, I feel sadness, my chest heavy, because I long for accepting and valuing myself, and holding myself with love, care and kindness. 

• When I tell myself I will never be able to share NVC so meaningfully as trainers I look up to, there is overwhelm and longing as I curl up into myself, because I wish to accept myself and trust that I can contribute to others in a way that is meaningful to me.

• Frustration, showing itself with an expansive energy in my counter-judgement, is telling me that I long for confidence and freedom to step out and offer my own voice, for attention and to be seen and acknowledged in my intention and potential as a trainer, and for self-compassion - that contribution doesn’t have to be being “perfect”, that I can contribute while learning on the go.

My inner mediator could tell the preoccupied voice: “I hear you want to protect me. I hear you’re afraid, and that you long for safety and belonging and are worried being seen would make that impossible.”

And tell the voice wanting to step out there: “I hear you long for kindness towards myself, inner support and confidence to let myself be seen even in fear. I hear you so wish to trust that you can be seen, accepted, and of service at the same time”. 

Bringing my inner voices together, I notice a deep wish to be fully seen and accepted, internally first, as a ground from which I can open outwardly. So, I asked myself, how about I try one small step and express this longing in a text? And maybe even share it to be seen in my inspiration? I want to use my personal stories as a way to show myself and my process, as a way of living and sharing NVC.

This reflection also reminds me of a recent event where I had a lived experience of these needs - to be seen, accepted, and for contribution - being met at the same time. In September, I joined a yearly Nonviolent Communication retreat organised in Spain, supporting colleagues completing their CNVC certification.

I arrived seeing myself as an outsider entering a community I longed to belong to. This being my first in-person encounter with the Spanish-speaking NVC community, I felt vulnerable. There was a resistance in me towards the group, and some fear. Some of this fear came from an internal story that “If I cannot belong here, I cannot become a trainer and do something in my life that is so meaningful to me.”

Being in an intentional NVC space, there was also trust in me that it was safe to explore and learn. I decided to experiment with allowing myself to take up space and express, also things that I was afraid would not be pleasant for others to hear, even though I was afraid that ‘I was not going to be liked’. Eventually, this helped meet my need for authenticity, have more spaciousness towards others, and supported me to build trust that I can be welcome, and even contribute to the group while being seen.

As a trainer, my intention is to show up as an authentic human being as much as I can, with all my parts. This, on my journey with NVC so far, seemed to be one of the most contributing experiences when joining courses as a student: to see the trainers not only talk about or perform, but embody NVC, act out of authenticity and not out of predefined roles. Experiencing that in itself was an immense reminder of why I am on this journey and an inspiration for where I would like to go, one step at a time.

Maybe contribution can begin right there — in the moments when we risk showing our authentic selves, not because we’re confident, but because we trust that even our uncertainty has something to offer.

*A process I learnt at Yoram Mosenzon’s Embodying & Teaching NVC train-the-trainer year course held in Amsterdam in 2022-2023